Why I lied…
So…I have a small confession to make. Actually it’s a pretty big one. I lied.
Back when I gave birth to my daughter, I had every intention of declining Vaginal Examinations. However, when the midwives arrived at my home, I was asked if they could do one vaginal examination just to check that I was in established labour. Now, despite me really not wanting one, I said yes. In that moment, I consented to a vaginal examination that I didn’t want.
Why did I consent to a vaginal examination that I didn’t want? Why did my outside voice say yes, when my inside voice was saying no? Well…I honestly don’t know. My husband has a degree in psychology and hypothesises that I was simply on auto pilot. We’re conditioned from an early age to “be good for the doctor/nurse/dentist/generic medical professional/generic person of authority” without question…and that conditioning took over in that moment. I had done months of planning and prep and was so prepared to stand my ground yet I literally didn’t even hesitate to think about my answer. I simply said “yeah okay” and hopped up on the sofa with my legs open like a good little girl. I almost feel like if the attending midwife had been coercive or combatant then I would have been more inclined to say no, but because she was so nice and casual about the question…it didn’t feel like I had anything to battle against.
So what’s the lie?
Well, I was so proud of my home birth and so happy with the way everything went yet I felt as if this vaginal examination was hanging over me like a dark cloud. I was ashamed of it, and I almost felt weak that I had just gone along with it without a second thought, so I lied. I told people that I wanted the vaginal examination and wanted to know how far along in labour I was. I even wrote it in my birth story. For that lie, I’m sorry.
Now, to be clear, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with Vaginal Examinations if that is what you choose to do. That is an entirely personal choice and I will wholeheartedly support any one who decides that VE’s are for them. My issue is with the fact that I was so clear in my own mind with what I wanted, yet something entirely different came out of my mouth. Even my husband was surprised at the fact that I said yes so happily.
Moving forward, I need to be honest. Instead of feeling weak, I’m going to use this as a teachable moment for my clients. Even though I was so sure of what I wanted, I consented to something I didn’t want simply because of the way we’ve been conditioned. That’s not my problem, it’s not your problem, it’s not even that midwife’s problem. It’s society’s problem and the solution is education.
I will take this experience and use it. I can help every pregnant person that follows me on Instagram find their voice. Every woman that walks through my door to learn from me will leave with a little more confidence than she started with.
After all, where does change start? With us. With every woman in a consultant’s office that asks for evidence to be provided. With every woman in labour who says no to something they’re not comfortable with. With every birth plan printed out and stapled on to the front of a set of maternity notes. It might take time, but I’m excited to see it happen.
Ellie
xxx
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